Coke, Bowel Movements, and You; Understanding Cocaine Colonics

When spending a night out in New York City, doing cocaine is as common as brushing your teeth. But doing bumps in the restroom stalls at your local discotheque may not be the only reason coke has you running to the bathrooms.

The cocaine market is all about making money. and your coke has been cut and diluted with cheap substitutes each step of the way to increase profits. Commonly, one of these cutting agents is mannitol, or as we call it on the streets, baby laxative.

Mannitol, when snorted, will produce a quick urge to “drop the Cosby kids off at the pool” if you catch my drift. Prolonged cocaine usage can produce a psychosomatic effect, so even thinking about doing blow will give you that not-so-fresh feeling.

Beginning Watersports

Did you know your urine is completely sterile and full of electrolytes? You could drink it. But stay away from feces, which is not sterile and not recommended for consumption.

“Thanks! I’d love a glass!”  

“Every Time You Touch Yourself, An Orphan Is Executed” & Other Masturbation Myths!

We’ve heard them all before: “Jerking off can make you blind!”

These are complete lies! Scientifically speaking, masturbation can only cause 3 things to happen:

1. Stress Relief.
2. Prolonged sexual stamina.
3. Utter embarassment when your father knocks on your door, but you can’t hear him because it’s 2001 and you just downloaded Girls Gone Wild off of iMesh and your headphones are on, so you frantically curl into a fetal position when the door begins to open, silently hoping your father doesn’t take notice of the sexy sorority sweethearts baring it all for the first time on camera streaking across your computer screen.

::Shudder::

Anyway. Masturbation will not blind you. It will not turn you gay. It will not kill you, kittens, or orphans any faster than they’re already being killed. It may cause years of teenage awkwardness between father and son, but those are the wonder years. Enjoy them. TMYK!