“Every Time You Touch Yourself, An Orphan Is Executed” & Other Masturbation Myths!

We’ve heard them all before: “Jerking off can make you blind!”

These are complete lies! Scientifically speaking, masturbation can only cause 3 things to happen:

1. Stress Relief.
2. Prolonged sexual stamina.
3. Utter embarassment when your father knocks on your door, but you can’t hear him because it’s 2001 and you just downloaded Girls Gone Wild off of iMesh and your headphones are on, so you frantically curl into a fetal position when the door begins to open, silently hoping your father doesn’t take notice of the sexy sorority sweethearts baring it all for the first time on camera streaking across your computer screen.

::Shudder::

Anyway. Masturbation will not blind you. It will not turn you gay. It will not kill you, kittens, or orphans any faster than they’re already being killed. It may cause years of teenage awkwardness between father and son, but those are the wonder years. Enjoy them. TMYK!